


As Much As I Ever Could.

by Myindepthmind



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 14:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myindepthmind/pseuds/Myindepthmind
Summary: It took little to no second for the lab to go silent and the only sound you could hear was a faint cry from Clarke.The syringe was ripped from Clarke’s very finger tips and pressed directly into Bellamy’s vein. He wasted no second, he would never let this happen, she would not sacrifice herself.Clarke co-leads with him but she takes things on far to often, without him.Not anymore.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I took a small break from the other stories I'm writing because this concept came to me one night when I couldn't sleep.  
> The thought of Bellamy sacrificing himself, not allowing Clarke to, has me in ruins. 
> 
> Please listen to the song : As Much As I Ever Could - City and Colour.  
> I got the inspiration for this story from it, hence the title. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading.
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here:  
> http://myindepthmind.tumblr.com/  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

“Clarke if I don’t see you again.”

I meant it, I meant to mean it. - I wanted to say what I know I need to.

If I don’t see you again, I want you to know.

* * *

 

It took little to no second for the lab to go silent and the only sound you could hear was a faint cry from Clarke.  
The syringe was ripped from Clarke’s very finger tips and pressed directly into Bellamy’s vein. He wasted no second, he would never let this happen, she would not sacrifice herself.

Clarke co-leads with him but she takes things on far to often, without him.

Not anymore.

_“Bellamy...”_ Clarke’s voice was choked as if she swallowed a thousand needles the same size as the syringe pressed into Bellamy’s vein.

Bellamy turned to her and the color in her face drained. It was draining to his smile, “not this time.” he mumbled softly.

“It was supposed to be me.” she was shouting now and the roughness in her tone spoke more than she was. It took Bellamy a second to realize that she was on the verge of tears.

“No it wasn’t” Abby spoke up, putting her arm on Clarke’s shoulder.

_“No”_ Clarke continued in a hostile fashion shaking off Abby’s touch. _"This is not happening.”_ Her arms now stretched out in front of Bellamy, blocking him from the testing chamber.

“You can’t stop this, Clarke. I’m testing myself.” Bellamy rose to the challenge as he normally would. There isn’t a thing in this world that could stop Bellamy, not after all he’s done. Bellamy doesn’t think he deserves to live, what better way to go out, to suffocate in a chamber. The sound of the voices in his head, telling him that he deserves this.

“The radiation in this chamber will more than likely kill you, do you understand that?” Abby spoke again, this time pressing the issue, she was watching her daughter fall apart.

“I don’t think he does.” Murphy spoke across the room, his arms crossed and posture nonchalant.

Bellamy wouldn’t look at Clarke, he avoided her gaze now, because he knew exactly what kind of conversation would ensue if he did.  
He couldn’t find himself to look into the sorrow that he knows is filling her eyes at this moment. “Together” was always something they said and now, there isn’t much of a together at all.

“Your death will not solve this, it will be pointless.” spoke Luna, walking toward them, placing a comforting hand on Clarke’s shoulder, Raven hovered along side Luna, her brows furrowed in confusion and a mix of pain.

It was evident and clear of what these two meant to one another. Be it love, be it faith, be it leadership, be it trust. There was a bond and a gravitational pull between Clarke and Bellamy that one could only describe as empowering.

How was she to lead these people without him?

“All experiments need multiple tests, I’m more than prepared.” Bellamy remarked with a tone of hostility mixed with the potential boat of confidence he didn’t know he had. Jaha’s voice rang clear and true in his head. How long until he forgives himself. How long until he stops punishing himself for the crimes he committed to stay alive. He would no longer, he would die a test subject, scum, like he deserved. Or so he thought.

Clarke wasted no time to rush out of the room.  
Tears filled her eyes and it was glossy, a fresh storm, a tiny piece of hell.  
_She hated Earth._  
She ran and kept running, the burning in her lungs didn’t match the pain she was feeling in her heart. The glow of the lab lights a blur through the tears.

She found herself in a quiet cellar, it was wing 24 of the laboratory. It held all of the machines and switches, the power to the place itself sat in this very room.  
It no longer mirrored Clarke.  
She was the mighty Wanheda, a leader among the sky people.  
 _What a joke._  
She sat hiding away, her knee’s to her chest, sobbing.  
Fearless leaders like Roan, have no weakness.  
Up until before her people from Mount Weather were saved, she thought she too had no weakness. She trained herself to block out what she could consider weakness and avoided thinking with her heart and instead her head. So she blocked out love, it was her weakness, and she loved Bellamy.

In the lab it lay silent to Clarke’s exit. There wasn’t enough to say or much to say at all. They knew exactly what was going on in Bellamy’s mind. He was fearless, the one who lead the hundred to safety and said - safe haven.

Bellamy’s thoughts wander to the night Clarke wrote the list. If he dies today, would a part of her die too? They made that pact, promise, reasoning with one another, that they both deserved to live and if one didn’t live, the other would not either. It occurred to him just how broken he made this pact, lodging the syringe into his blood stream.  
He sighs heavily to himself, it was a mistake to do this. The inner turmoil that flowed through him. He didn’t want to be the one to do it, he wanted to be by her side. His mind thought too quick, his actions too quick, impulsively, he took the syringe the moment he saw her turn it towards herself and found no reason to let her do this. So he didn’t and in return, here he was feeling the bubbling side effects of nightblood.  
It was a burning, a light fever feeling but not enough to warrant sickness. He was adjusting well, Abby said. However, his mind couldn’t stop wandering to Clarke.

Those who were in the lab with them had now dispersed, some went to the house and others to parts of the lab he hadn’t ventured yet. - It’s not like he had much time to in the first place.

He sat on the medical bed and the only one to keep company was Roan, who was sighing and almost glaring at Bellamy.

Their relationship was nothing less than banter and points of hostility. Bellamy was never a fan of grounders but Roan struck a cord in him for a while he couldn’t quite understand. Given that he did stab Bellamy, but Bellamy shot Roan? it was complicated but he could feel respect growing for Roan as time progressed, whatever time they had left anyway.

“Brave, but foolish.” Roan spoke out with a smooth tone.

Bellamy deadpanned. “I didn’t ask you.”

“You don’t have to, I know where your mind is at.” Roan replied shaking his head briefly. It was silent between the two and Bellamy rolled his eyes to Roan’s response.

“She is priority in your life, even before your people, but you throw yourself into danger, into death, and suddenly she means nothing.” Roan’s reply was strong and he intended it to sting and it did as he watched Bellamy’s form almost wince to the words and his eyes clam shut.

“You don’t know anything.” Bellamy mumbled, wrapping his hand around where the needle was injected and pressing to put the pain elsewhere in his body, away from the throbs in his heart.

“Anything hm?” Roan mumbled sarcastically. - “Also far from the truth.”

“I didn’t ask your -” Bellamy began but was quickly interrupted by the slamming of a metal table, needles and tools falling every where, it clashing to the ground with a loud echo.

“You really are a piece of work” Roan roared, he was raising his voice now. - “ She puts her ass, quite literally, on the line for you people and one by one she watches the people she loves die, and for what? to be even more of a fearsome leader? it’s grounder tradition to not show weakness but she is not of Azgeda nor Trikru, not one of the twelve clans, she is from the sky, the leader we consider of the sky people, of Skaikru and she is hurting. Death surrounds her and if you die? you may as well kill her with your own two hands.” Roan’s voice was full of rage, he cared for Clarke, he knew this would break her indefinitely.  
There was a naked pause in the room as Bellamy attempted to process all he was hearing.

“All I’m saying is stop trying to be the hero, Bellamy Kom Skaikru. Clarke needs you.” he finished, his voice growing soft to the sound of his own voice. He found himself doing that far more often than he would admit. There was something about Clarke that brought softness to all people she spoke to.

_Wanheda my ass._

She was born for this, in theory that is true, but she as all leaders do, has a weakness. He discovered her weakness within hours of kidnapping her. The weakness she had, the one and only weakness, was Bellamy.

Bellamy’s eyes were wide with shock to Roan’s confession, in a matter of speaking. Was it preaching? was it anger? he assumed it was a mix of all things. Roan did not approve of Bellamy’s actions and Bellamy was starting to rethink his own actions. The sound of Roan’s voice was hostile and he made his point. It left a pain in Bellamy’s stomach that didn’t come from the nightblood.

He slipped himself off the medical bed and headed toward the door.

“Now where the hell do you think you’re going.” Roan questioned, walking toward where Bellamy was headed.

“To find Clarke.” was Bellamy’s only response as he disappeared into the depths of the lab.

Bellamy found himself wandering through silent, pale white corridors. He hated the fact that he was listening for sobbing, any trace of Clarke. He knew that she would be crying. She isolates herself when she feels pain.  
On nights she feels alone, he knows that she cries, he’s heard her before.

From room to room he finds storage and other labs, some hallways and offices, they all lead him to think that Clarke could have left the island. He wouldn’t blame her, realistically. He finds his way to the last place he could look, a cold, dark and damp cellar that contains all power switches and wires. He knows her well enough to know that if she wasn’t anywhere else, she could be here.

\- and there she was, dead to the world and staring into the blank nothing that was the space in front of her. Under her eyes red and swelled, glossy and bloodshot, her knee’s up to her chest. She’s been crying the whole time.  
He waits for a moment, he hesitates. What could he say? what does he say? where do they go now? he would always have more questions than answers. His reckless actions cause this burden on him. He hardly think’s before he acts around Clarke.

The way he finds her breaks his heart. He can only imagine how cold the floor beneath him is.

_“Clarke...”_ he speaks softly, leaving no room for the sadness in his voice to fill the room. He kneels down to her level and places his hand on her, his warmth waking her from the bubble she was in. Her eyes shot to him, blue daggers, if looks could kill.

His mouth gapes to the sight of her stare. Clarke had many looks, anger, sadness, fear, happiness sometimes when he was lucky enough to see it, bravery, even sometimes pride. Though this look she gave him in this moment was one of a stranger. It was almost as if she looked directly through him.

“Clarke.” he repeated, his eyes softening to her glare, he hopes that in this moment hers would soften too. However her look does not waver and her glare stays prominent.

“Take my name off the list.” she demands, her face still in her knees. Her eyes do not move from his face.

_“Clarke, please.”_ he pleads, she wants nothing to do with it.

“Please what, Bellamy? please come back to the lab and watch it boil you? I’ll pass.” she’s sarcastic and the tone in her voice would speak it profoundly if it wasn’t full of the left over sobs and weary sadness she felt. Clarke was never good at hiding much of anything at all.

“Please talk to me.” his pleading continues, he doesn’t want to leave her side, he doesn’t want her to push him away. She did that once and she left for months, she left him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of the great canyons of distance that brought between them, not just physically.

“There isn’t anything I wish to say to you, Bellamy.” her eyes look away for a moment and dart back to him, almost as if to emphasize her statement. He’s caught in his words and she can see that now so she presses. “They will test me after you.”

He gapes “no they wont.”

_“If I'm on that list, you're on that list.”_ she mocks and glares, taking advantage of the tension between them. His eyes begin to widen, realizing the poison she spits.

“Clarke, there was no way I was going to watch them test you.” he tries to reason with her, a soft tone he finds himself using around her far too often, especially when she’s making decisions.  
“So you honestly think I’m going to sit here and let you die? I’m going to sit and watch them boil you?” she raises her voice and shifts, moving her knees away from her face.

He’s silent now and his lips press into a thin line. “Right, you don’t think about that. Bellamy you make rash decisions and throw yourself into danger, but what about me?” she pauses and her eyes search his face. _“I can’t... do this without you.”_ The tears in her eyes swell again.

He brings his hand to the side of her face and pushes a single curl away, much in the fashion as he did when she was kidnapped. “If I don’t see you again.” he begins to speak and she shakes from his hand.

“Not this again.” she says in annoyance and her tears prickle down her cheeks. “This time...you wont see me again.”

His lips part and for a while he feels his gaze soften. The moments he felt his life flash before his eyes, one specifically, he was reminded of. When they were searching for Luna who was the last known nightblood, they had to take a vile and swallow a liquid. He did not know his certain fate but he knew so long as he died looking at Clarke one last time...all would be fine.

“I can’t do this without you.” she repeats and it hits him harder, leaving an open wound.  
“I will test myself with or without the help, we do this together.”

“Clarke, that’s not how this is going to work.” Bellamy sighs.

“You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions Bellamy.” she spits ferociously.

“You’re not thinking straight, be reasonable Clarke, our people need you.” he attempts to reason with her knowing full well that it will fail.

“I’m the one not thinking straight?” she mocks and she notices him nod slightly.

She shoots up in front of him and he raises to stand with her in one smooth motion. Her glare is prominent and she shakes her head in disgust. She begins to leave, having enough of this conversation.

Bellamy wastes no time and grabs her wrist and she rips from his hold. _“I wont say goodbye Clarke, if I don’t see you again, I love you...I always have.”_ his voice is gentle and he feels his throat swell, on the verge of tears.

She turns to look at him. _“you already did.”_ when she leaves him, Bellamy doesn’t remember how long he stands there but for the first time in what feels like forever, he cried.

 

“You really want to go through with this?” Abby questioned, putting a reassuring hand on Bellamy’s shoulder. He glances around the room in search of Clarke, but he only finds Murphy and Raven standing with Roan. He assumes Luna does not wish to watch another person die for the cause and Clarke would never watch him do this.

He nods with confidence though his face says otherwise. He could feel Roan’s displeasure. “You don’t have to do this, we can find another scum to test this on.” Roan pleaded, he finds himself thinking that Roan was pleading for Clarke and not himself.

Bellamy shakes his head responding to Roan. Wasting no time any longer, he lays down on the bed of the chamber. His mind wanders to a familiar place. It’s a place he hasn’t been to in a long time. The near death feeling where he begins to think of what is and could have been. It wasn’t right to think this way because to Bellamy he deserves all he will receive in this chamber. Forgiveness is hard for people like us, he repeats to himself.

He can’t forgive himself and now Clarke will never forgive him in return. It’s unpleasant but humorous how that works. He landed on Earth with one goal, to protect his sister. The sister who will not even look so much as in his direction and he also did something he never thought he would, he fell in love. Not the childish kind of love that leaves you giggling but the kind that sinks deep into your pores, the kind that leaves you as if you forgot how to breathe. Clarke was the air he breathes, the rays of sunlight he will never feel on his cheeks again, she was the ocean and he drowned so deeply in her eyes. He would walk in her garden forever if he could but he knew now that he will never walk along side her again. Bellamy didn’t think he was going to get out of this, he doesn’t get to survive this. He does not come out of Priamfaya either way. He would rather die for his people, that way if there is an afterlife, maybe he would be able to forgive himself then.

Abby began to look over the notes one last time as she pressed the button to close the chamber. She winces at the action. “You don’t have to do this.” she’s pleading and only imagining how this will effect Clarke.

The chamber begins to close around him and suddenly Bellamy feels the claustrophobia he expected. His eyes dart across the room when he lifts his head, he notices Clarke leaning against the far wall, her eyes not leaving his. He gives a half smile and it leaves pain to run through her veins.

“there’s no guarantee you will survive this.” Abby repeats as if he doesn’t already know.

Bellamy only nods.

A few buttons are pressed and Bellamy feels his heart beat in his ears. His heart is racing and he wonders for the moment, as his eyes wander the florescent lights, that if he even wants to go through with this. He feels the weight of Clarke’s stare, her sorrow fills the room and enters his lungs. The noise of the testing chamber as it seals shut and his heavy breathing is now all he can hear.

He can hear talking outside the chamber, its faint and echoed. His eyes dart around and they find themselves resting on Clarke once again. She’s crying and her lips almost purse. She mouthed his name and he cracked a small sad smile to her. She had said she wanted no part in watching him go through this but he always knew and she always said, she believed in Bellamy.

Proceed in test two, initiating. He hears Abby speak aloud. Her hand moves to the switch and she flips Proton to Gamma and begins to turn the dial.

Clarke finds herself moving toward the chamber, slowly, she stops at Roan’s side. Instinctively Roan grabs Clarke’s hand and holds it, she looks to him in fear.

“Bellamy is strong.” Roan speaks confidently and Clarke nods hesitantly.

“This is where we will start to see symptoms.” Abby speaks quietly, “850.”

Clarke tightens her grip on Roans hand and takes a step forward before being pulled back slowly by Roan. Bellamy’s eyes lock to hers and he mouths. “It’s okay.”

She shakes her head, no this isn’t okay. Not in a million years.

The dial keeps rising and Bellamy groans and his heart rate speeds up.  
“What’s happening.” Clarke barks to Abby.  
“This is normal, his body is just adjusting, he’s already over normal.” Abby tries to comfort Clarke with her words.

Bellamy begins to thrash left and right and his skin goes a red they don’t recognize. _“Stop....”_ Clarke gasps. _“stop”_

“He’s going to be fine, this has to happen before he can heal, his body is adjusting to radiation. Bellamy knew this was going to be painful.” Abby presses, still attempting to reassure Clarke. In all honestly Abby had no idea what was to come of this or if he would even survive.

Bellamy’s eyes flip to the back of his head and sweat drips down his forehead, his curls a mess and his clothes damp. His fists clench at his sides and his groans begin to choke.

Abby turns the dial off within seconds of hearing his groans.

“Keep going.” Bellamy shouts furiously, his voice choked by pain.

Clarke finds herself pulled close to Roan as he attempts to shield her. Sobs racked her body and the only thing she could muster up from her broken voice was a _“no, please, no.”_

 

His agonizing shouts echo the room and all watching wince. It was painful all on it’s own to watch Bellamy in this state. The dial is turned to the highest now and burns begin to tear through his flesh.

Abby quickly turns the dial off as Bellamy passes out. “Now we wait...” she mumbles, her eyes finding the floor.

They open the chamber and Clarke rushes to his side, desperately touching his cheeks. “Bellamy...” she whispers sadly, her tears drip, soaking into his cheeks. She scrambles, unhooking him from the restraints and Roan pulls up a chair for her to sit at his side. It breaks everyone around them to watch Clarke this way. If it wasn’t clear before, it is now, how much Clarke truly loves Bellamy.

She doesn’t know how long she stays there, but she cries the entire time.  
Somewhere along the lines, exhaustion takes over her and she falls asleep at his side, her fingers intertwined with his.  
She wont dare leave his side ever again.

Abby returns to the room to find Clarke asleep at Bellamy’s side. Clarke’s fingers still tightly intertwined in his. Her eyes widened and found Bellamy’s face, she had only left a few hours ago and he was already healing. She called to Jackson who sat on the upper level. “Jackson, come look at this.”

“Abby” he sighs. “I can see them from here, yes, it’s a sight to see both of them They’re not being mini chancellor duo’s right now, it’s peaceful and quiet, I get it.” his tone is sarcastic as he looks to Abby from above.

“Jackson quit it, he’s healing!” she shouts as quietly as she possibly can, she points over to him and Jackson quickly heads down the steps to Abby’s side. They walk over to examine Bellamy and they find just that. His skin is healing and the radiation is leaving his body.

Abby tears up and places her hand over her mouth. Jackson elopes her in a tight embrace.  
“I didn’t want to test him, all I could think about is how this will hurt Clarke...but I couldn’t stop him I-”  
she chokes on her sobs and buries herself deep into Jackson's arms.

“You did what he wanted you to, Abby you did good.” he reassures her placing his hand on her head and holding her tight.  
“Let’s let them rest some more.” he speaks softly into her hair.

Everything feels like it’s spinning. Bellamy dreams.

He’s walking through a forest, it’s dark from the halo of the trees above. The sound of the leaves above him and the trees singing between the gusts of wind.  
“Bellamy!” a voice shouts, he shoots his head left and right, searching for the source of the voice.

“Who’s there? Hello?” he asks curiously walking ahead.

He finds himself wandering aimlessly in the direction the voice called from. No true itinerary. It feels like some kind of gravitational pull, bringing him forward. There’s a giggle and the sound of a gunshot echoes the environment around him. He ducks in cover, placing himself low to the ground.

“You’re not dead if that’s what you’re wondering.” a voice speaks almost cheerfully, he hears it clearly now.

_“Bellamy!”_ the same voice from earlier calls out, he recognizes it, it’s Clarke’s voice.

“Clarke?” he questions nervously, his eyes scanning the perimeter.

“She is not here.” the anonymous voice speaks again, almost sad.

Bellamy only nods in the direction he’s facing. “Who are you? Why do I hear her?” he asks as he rises from the forest floor.

“My my, you’ve grown.” they speak softly. “Her voice is only in your mind, Bellamy. She calls to you. You will see her again, if you wish to.”

Bellamy’s brow raises and the feeling of sadness overwhelms him. “of course...I do, I want to see her again..- who are you?” he presses.

“Someone who loves you, very much.” gentle as the voice is, allows Bellamy to recognize it.

_“Mom?”_ his voice breaks as a woman in a light blue dress walks out from behind the trees.

He rushes to her and elopes her in an embrace. She laughs softly and her hand comes up to the back of his head, threading her fingers through his hair.

“Hello” she says softly and Bellamy chokes back sobs.

“How is this possible.” he breaks down in his mothers arms.

“Near death experiences, I’m afraid.” she speaks into his dark curls, still holding him tight.

“The nightblood...” he mumbles. She lets go of Bellamy and sits on the forest floor, holding his hand she brings him down with her to sit.  
He wastes no time and lays his head on her legs. “You haven’t changed a bit, Bell.” she smiles at him and plays with his hair.

His eyes close in contentment. “This is the first time I’ve seen you, you feel so real.” he breathes.

“For now I am.” her smile continues, she is content here with him.  
“How is Octavia? are you making sure she eats her vegetables, you were always the only one who could get her to eat those.” his mother speaks on, almost babbling like no time has passed. She watches Bellamy wince to the subject.

“Octavia is well but, she no longer wants anything to do with me. We went down to Earth and I did things, unspeakable things, to get down here to protect her. My sister...my responsibility.” he speaks and his voice is broken, he’s full and vulnerable but content to speak about what bothers him, especially to his mother.

“Bellamy...we all do things. It’s how we survive. In order to thrive you must push the limits of even your own capabilities. She will come around and see how special you are.” his mothers voice is soft as she brushes the scar on his cheek with her finger.

His eyes widen and he looks to her.

“What is it?” she asks.

“Nothing it’s just...Clarke said that to me about Octavia.” he’s smiling a bit now.

“This Clarke, she is special to you.” she says combing her fingers through his hair again and his eyes close to the feeling of his mothers touch.

“Something like that.” he says softly.

“You never had any girlfriends when you were growing up, so this is a bit unorthodox.” she confesses laughing a little.

“It’s not like that.” he pouts a little at the tease and her brows furrow.

“Bellamy, you subconsciously dream of her voice. If it’s not like that, what is it like then?” she questions, her head cocked to the side awaiting response.

He winces. “never mind, tell me how you met her, tell me about Clarke.” she changes the subject after she noticed his displeasure on the topic.

_“Shes...”_ he starts and his eyes flicker open and he stares into the parts of the sky he can see between the trees.

_“Clarke is...”_ he can’t find the words.  
“My she must really be something if she’s left you stumped on words.” she teases and pokes his nose.

His laugh is genuine. “She really is incredible mom.” he looks to her. “She’s blonde and has these crystal blue eyes that put just about anyone in a trans. When we landed on Earth, she co-lead the hundred other kids with me. Now she leads all of the ark’s survivors. She’s brave and cunning. Smart and even artistic, she draws, mom.” she smiles to his babbling, he used to do this when he was a child. When he found a topic of interest it took a lot to shut him up.

“Clarke is like the ancient warrior goddesses you used to tell me about. She is not afraid of anything, or anyone. She’s beautiful...she’s....” he pauses. “you would love her, mom.”

She smiles sadly. “If she makes you this happy, I do already.”

He smiles too.

“Does she know, you love her?” she asks curiously, she watches Bellamy’s gaze soften.

“We are trying to find a cure for the radiation on it’s way. I volunteered, hence why I’m here.” he gestures to himself. “She was upset with me and she was crying. I told her that I loved her but she was too upset to even look at me...” his voice grows sad. "I have loved her as much as I ever could, I want to be by her side."

“Is that why it's not like that? why she isn't yours?” the subject is brought up again, appropriately so. She still asks with hesitation.

He nods. “She never said it back.”

“She doesn’t have to.” his mother speaks with a confirming tone. “She didn’t want you to do this to yourself. Look where you are, almost in between worlds, stuck in your dreams. She loves you, Bellamy. You said she co-lead with you, don’t you think that’s enough of a confirmation? if you have co-lead this entire time, it’s clear she doesn’t want to do it without you. Bellamy it’s clear to me that this Clarke, loves you very much.”

Bellamy’s mouth gapes to his mothers words but they close not too long after, his eyes squeeze shut. “I’m an idiot.” he mumbles.

“You have a lot of time, so much to spend with her, so why don’t you start?” she offers. Bellamy looks to her and she begins to fade.

“No wait! please don't go, not yet.” he shouts reaching out to her.

“Bellamy, forgive yourself. I forgive you. Go to Clarke, she needs you. Remember my words. I love you, Bellamy.” she speaks softly and just as the wind gusts she disappears.

Bellamy lays there sprawled and all he can do is smile. He missed his mother so much.  
Bellamy lazily opens his very heavy eyelids and scans the room. Once again he is only left with Roan, he notices the stool next to him.

“She stayed with you all night, she wouldn’t leave your side. She’s only with Abby right now, they’re trying to get her to eat something.” he laughs, his voice rough, Bellamy frowns.

He raises his hands and looks at them, the florescent lights creeping through his fingers.  
“I healed.” he mumbles.

“At a quick rate too.” speaks Raven from across the room. “Welcome back, Blake.” she smiles.

He nods to her and looks back to his hands.

He’s alive and he can’t believe it. He cheats death far too often. He lets out a chuckle and lifts himself off the bed. He swings his legs over and his feet press to the floor, he walks a few steps, adjusting to the soreness he felt.

“Good to have you back man.” Murphy is now at Raven’s side, smiling slightly.

“let’s give him some time to wake up and adjust.” Raven speaks up firmly, not taking no for an answer. He watches them file out of the room and he lets out a choked laugh, his head hung low as he shakes it in disbelief.

_“Bellamy...”_ his head shoots up and his eyes find Clarke standing in the doorway. Her tray of food crashes to the ground and she sprints to him.

The last time she caught him in an embrace was after the events of her escaping Mount Weather, he wasn’t prepared for it, this time he was. His arms widen, awaiting her arms to swing around him.

_“Are you real?”_ she speaks into his shoulder after she crashes into him. One hand behind her head and the other around her body, she’s lifted off the ground.

He laughs brokenly, cradling her. “I think so...”

They don’t move from that embrace for quite some time. They would admit that they weren’t ready for it. Abby’s voice is what eventually broke the two of them.

“Good to see that you recovered so quickly, Bellamy. May I examine?” she walks toward the two of them with a smile.

Abby examines all she needs to and gives them the clear to go and rest.

Clarke walks down the halls to the bedrooms and Bellamy follows along behind her.

“They have real showers here.” she laughs softly and he smiles at the back of her head as she walks. She opens the door to her room and his eyes widen.

The room is lit brightly and modern. A bed in the center of the room and two bedside tables illuminated by lamps. He had never seen something this clean since he landed on Earth.

“This place really is something.” he admires the bedroom in front of him and wastes no time finding himself in the shower. The warm water beating down on his skin almost stings but he can’t find a reason to care.

Clarke is pacing now, patiently waiting for Bellamy to be finished. After all that just happened, Clarke couldn’t waste any time anymore. She was foolish to think she had much time in the first place. He had to know how she feels too.

Bellamy changes after he showered. He found a comfortable pair of track pants and slung his shirt over his head. He opens the door back to the bedroom and Clarke is frozen on the opposite side of the room, worry tugging at her brows.

“Is everything alright?” he questions.

Her gaze softens. “I’m just...I’m glad you’re okay.”

he nods. “me too.” it’s silent between them now and her eyes find the floor.

_“Bellamy it’s clear to me that this Clarke, loves you very much”_ his mothers words echo in his mind.

_“Clarke...”_ he speaks softly to her in that tone known only to her.

She looks up at him, tears kissing her flush red cheeks. “I love you too.” she tilts her head to the side, smiling brokenly. “I’m so sorry...Bellamy.”

He breathes a broken breath and closes the space between them. His hands are on her cheeks and his lips find hers. A deep kiss, speaking words he couldn’t find to say.

His forehead pressed against hers. “Don’t be sorry...I’m the one who almost left you.” his voice is of sorrow, he feels tears prickling down his cheeks.

“You have to stop being so stoic.” she laughs brokenly smiling up at him, their arms now wrapped around one another.

“Maybe, but only the day you stop being a princess and that’s never going to happen...so.” he teases and she hits him on the chest.

“I couldn’t die without telling you.” he speaks softly and she wipes his tear with her thumb, gently caressing his cheekbones.

She nods and sobs quietly. “I know”

“If I don’t see you again...I want you to know, so long as I love you....you will always see me again.” he speaks softly, his eyes meeting hers.

She smiles brokenly. _“always?”_

he nods and presses a kiss to her forehead. “ _always. _”__


End file.
